Whenever I say to a student ‘go talk to her’ for the first time - the only reply I ever get is ‘What am I going to talk about?’
In all my time coaching, the biggest mistakes I’ve seen guys make are not in what they say, but in what they do and in how they say it.
So when a student tells me ‘I don’t know what to say to women’, I know it’s not that they don’t have anything to say, it’s that they don’t want to run out of topics or make the conversation boring.
Obviously, talking will be a major feature of your interactions with women.
By talking well, you hope to gain enough momentum to take the interaction through to the next level- from the initial meeting to a phone number, a date, a kiss, sex, a casual partner, all the way up to monogamous relationship (if you want one).
But how do you get this momentum?
Trust is a huge part of the attraction process. Recently, I read a book titled The Female Brain by Dr. Louann Brizendine, which highlights that hormones are responsible for the greatest behavioral variances between a man and a woman.
When us men are under small amounts of stress, we actually become more sexually aroused. However when women come under stress their hormones create havoc. Cortisol, one of the primary stress hormones in both men and women actually blocks Oxytocin (the bonding hormone), which is responsible for sexual arousal in the female brain.
For a woman to get sexually aroused, her Amygdala (which is that small area of the brain that releases stress hormones and is responsible for more hijack attempts than every terrorist organization in the last fifty years) must actually shut down. If you keep triggering a woman’s Amygdala, she can become disinterested in seduction, or at the very least struggle to achieve orgasm.
By creating circumstances that lead a woman to trust you, you can ensure that her amygdala remains dormant. This will help her to open up to you.
How do we get her to open up to you?
Vulnerability is the biggest key to trust. If someone won’t share their flaws with us, we have trouble trusting them completely. Many modern psychologists are now being trained to share some of their own flaws with patients in order to create trust, so that patients can open themselves up emotionally during therapy.
There is a good way and a bad way to express vulnerability.
BAD WAY: A crying and whining version, where you’re asking someone for sympathy.
EG “I wish I didn’t have these panic attacks, why is this happening to me? I wish there was something somebody could do!”
GOOD WAY: A confident, in control version:
EG “Panic attacks will always be part of my life in some way however I refuse to allow it to control my life.”
This way of showing vulnerability is what I call Masculine Vulnerability.
A man who accepts his flaws and keeps moving forward uninhibited is very sexy to women. It is a powerful trait that women respond to.
In order to express this kind of vulnerability, we must first have some rapport with the lady. Being vulnerable straight after meeting a lady is confronting and can appear to be strange. We feel this when we ask someone how they’re doing and they don’t respond with something conventional like ‘good thanks’.
The first time my assistant met Sir Profiterole, she asked him how he was. He responded with a long spiel about how he was going through an ugly divorce – with great specific detail. She nodded politely but found it awfully strange that someone would reveal something so personal without any rapport whatsoever.
This is a classic case of vulnerability without rapport coming off as strange.
We often say it’s the key to communicating well with women. We all understand it instinctively but struggle to define its meaning.
I define it as ‘When two people validate each other’s views of the world around them’
We all have models in our minds of the world around us, which we use to interpret events that occur in our lives. These models are closely related to our identity and sense of self. Each of us has a unique model, and we hold onto it very dearly, believing that ours is superior to everyone else’s.
You feel rapport with someone when you feel they understand your model of the world. Your model of the world is most clearly defined by the things you feel passionate about. These are both the things you passionately love and the things you passionately hate. If you and another person are both passionate about something together, then you will begin establishing a sense of rapport.
Consider the following conversation:
Girl: “Yesterday I got a parking fine for being three minutes late after my time expired, can you believe that?”
What would you say in response that will build rapport?
“Oh man, Isn’t that unfair! What difference does three minutes make to the government?”
“Well, I can’t really blame them, I mean you knew what the time was and they had every right to book you.”
Which example do you think is building rapport and which example was breaking it?
(Cleary option 2 was breaking it. Nothing breaks rapport quite like siding with a parking officer.)
We have all been in situations where a girl or even a friend has responded in the second way, and we can literally feel a sense of anguish as rapport is broken unnecessarily. We all understand this innately, as I’m sure there have been times when you have purposely negated someone else’s view of the world in order to break rapport with them.
With this in mind, a fantastic technique for building rapport with women is to find topics you are both passionate about. You do this by slowly fishing through topics that you are interested in, and not getting too caught up in topics that you have no interest in whatsoever. After all, why would you want to bore yourself talking about things you don’t care about?
Talking about your passions works on three levels:
You are building rapport
You are showing women that there are things you feel passionate about (few things are more attractive to a woman than a man who is passionate).
You are inadvertently generating conversation when going through topics you are interested in.
One of the biggest issues for men when they first start approaching women is falling into the trap of asking a series of awfully boring questions.
Early interactions often go something like this:
Man: So do you come here often?
Woman: Not really.
Man: Cool… How do you guys know each other?
Woman: We work together
Man: Oh Nice… What do you do for work?
Woman: We are legal receptionists
Man: Cool… did you have to work today
Woman: Not on a Sunday
Man: [awkward silence]
So of course men then go in search of canned lines or routines they can use to disrupt this horrible pattern. But the problem is that eventually you HAVE to run out of lines and routines and actually have a real conversation again. What’s more, lines and routines always run the risk of making you come across as insincere or worse, sleazy.
The best ways to counteract this is to develop a conversational pattern that goes like the following.
Man: Asks a question
Man: Relates to her answer with a story or anecdote (What do you think about her answer? Do you have any experience with her answer? Do you know anyone who has something in common with her answer? How does her answer make you feel? Have you heard any rumors about her answer? Etc.)
Woman: Responds- sometimes by talking some more now that you’ve spoken a bit, sometimes again with a one word answer.
Man: Answers the question he originally asked her. Then he relates it to her answer. He tells it in the form of a story, not in the form of a one word answer.
A conversation may go like this:
Man: So what do you do for work?
Woman: I’m a nurse.
Man: Wow, that has always sounded like a pretty tough job to me. One of my friends works as a nurse at a psych ward, and as you can imagine things get pretty messy there. He once told me of a woman who was so wild from an infected nervous system, that it took four huge men to hold her down.
Woman: Wow! luckily I work in post-natal, so I don’t see much crazy stuff like that.
Man: You’re lucky! I myself work as a dating coach. It’s a pretty interesting job, I get to take guys and girls who struggle to attract the partners they really want and build up their self-confidence and social skills to the point where they are fighting potential mates off with a stick!
Woman: I got hit by a stick once.
You talk about passions by asking her what she thinks about a particular topic. If she loves what you love – AWESOME! If she doesn’t, you relate to her response and answer with how much you love this passion and why. Then move onto another passion of yours and repeat the same thing.
Here’s what I do:
I start by asking a girl if she’s travelled much, or whether she likes to travel. If she doesn’t like travelling, I will try my hardest to relate to her reasons. Then I passionately tell her a story about my travels and why I love it so much. Then I segue into another topic. I’ll tell her that when I’m out in a club, I love watching men and women interact because I love social psychology. If she isn’t interested, I will try to relate to what she says – then I talk about what I love observing about male/female interactions and move onto another topic again. Hatred of parking officers perhaps.
If I can’t seem to hook her on anything, then we obviously don’t feel passionate about the same things. That makes her a bad match for me so I move on.
Now we have a fourth benefit! It weeds out the women we have nothing in common with!
Even if you’re just looking to get laid, you’ll eventually find out that it’s not worth it to put up with mindless conversation just to give Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters the night off. Never aim for every woman you can find - you’ll be around a lot of women that aren’t right for you and this will in turn bring unnecessary stress into your life.
In the above example, we are looking at instances where both parties share exactly the same views on similar topics. However rapport does not require this to be the case.
Consider the following.
Girl: “In my spare time, I really love restoring antique furniture.”
I don’t have much interest in antiques or furniture- let alone antique furniture- but you can still take the opportunity to build rapport. Let’s look at the following response:
”You know, I’ve never gotten antiques or furniture, but I know the satisfaction of breathing new life into something old and beautiful. I love buying old cars and restoring them with my Dad.”
She will suddenly feel a greater sense of rapport with you because you have shared an understanding of her view of the world.
When you try, you will find that you can relate to most passions people have, even if you don’t specifically care about a particular passion like antique furniture.
But just as when you share a passion you build rapport, if you actively show that you don’t care about her passions you break rapport. This will make her feel alienated and misunderstood. Never ignore her passion and just talk about what you want to talk about. Instead build rapport by using what she says to relate to different passions you have, just like the example above. Never tease people about their passions or maliciously make fun of them. That’s not okay.
So for example, a lovely young lady says to you “I don’t really like the Ivy nightclub, everyone’s too stuck up.”
You on the other hand love the Ivy. If you say “No way, I love this place! I want the bartenders to christen my children!” you will break rapport.
A much better response is “Oh I hate being around people who think they’re better than everyone else. I remember the ‘rich kids group’ at school’.
This will build rapport.
This is good as an example, but not ideal, because you are building rapport based on a negative passion. If you spend the whole night talking about all the things you both hate, it’s not going to end up being much fun for anyone and won’t create a lot of attraction. I suggest having empathy for negative passions and real sympathy for positive passions.
E.G.: “Wow, you must feel like shit getting rejected three times in a row. That sucks buddy!”
Sympathy means you feel the person’s feelings with them usually by relating to your own similar experiences and bonding over them.
E.G: “Oh man, I remember last week when I got rejected three times in a row, I was so depressed about it, it took me an hour and two red bulls to get over it.”
Always move towards positive passions and watch her open up about the things she absolutely loves.
Below is an example of how you can get to your passions quickly.
Me: “I’m having a great night. The Ivy’s a cool place...
Her “Yeah. This is my first time here”
Me: “And why is that?”
Her: “Because I’m from New Zealand visiting friends”
Me: “Really, you’re over visiting friends? Aren’t you a good friend.”
Her “Yeah. My friends are cool. And a short holiday to Australia is also good”
Me: “I love short holidays”
Me: “Yeah, I....”
In the above there’s no real story, although I can dive into a story any time if I find something in common and want to build rapport. In this instance I chatted about my experience with short holidays. But there were plenty of other directions I could have gone. I could have skipped over short holidays and kept ‘hopping’ topics. The following are some of the topics that were hopped over:
The above process is simply about picking up information that the girl is volunteering and playing along with it until I hit something that I’m familiar with or passionate about. The main thing to remember is not to take too long. That’ll cause awkward silences. She’ll give no more information for you to play with and you’ll be left to create something to talk about out of nothing.
We can do all of this quickly by understanding the elements of communication through the Rapport Triangle.
1. Ritual and Cliche (the lowest form of communication) – This is the first thing you’ll say to a woman like ‘Hey how are you?’ The lady will have a generic response she’ll give to you such as ‘Good thanks.’ This is when our responses are on autopilot.
2. Facts and Information – This is when you ask closed ended questions like ‘What do you do for work?’ These do not require a lot of rapport and does often mean you get one sentence responses.
3. Opinions and Thoughts – This is discussing what she logically thinks about the topic you’re talking about. Example: ‘What kind of music are you into?’
4. Feelings and Emotions – This is when you share feelings and emotions about something. Example: ‘I love to play the flute’.
5. Peak Experiences (the highest level of communication) – This is when you share things that you’re really passionate about. Things you love or hate. This is the highest level of rapport. When there’s something you both love doing, that’s what it’s all about. Example: ‘This one time, at band camp, I fell in LOVE with my teacher…’
In all initial meetings, we start at the bottom of the triangle (Ritual/Cliche) and must work to move up to Peak Experiences.
Obviously we want to move up the rapport triangle as smoothly as possible, how do we do this?
When moving up the rapport triangle, one of the most important aspects is what psychologists call ‘Reciprocal Disclosure’ – the exchange of personal information. In fact, unless you both disclose at least some personal details, the conversation is unlikely to result in much rapport.
When you first meet, these details do not have to be particularly intimate. Disclosure of almost any personal information - even something as innocent as the fact that one likes warm weather, Italian food or Starcraft- is a move towards intimacy.
If the woman discloses some such detail, you should reciprocate as soon as possible by revealing some similar information and also ‘raising the ante’ by making your disclosure slightly more personal. If the lady likes you, she will try to match your disclosure with one of similar value and ideally raise the ante herself. Reciprocal Disclosure of this kind is a much more subtle and less threatening route to intimacy than asking direct personal questions.
Avoid getting too far ahead by revealing too much, or lagging behind by revealing too little.
Here is one neat example of how this might look as a conversation. Notice how the lady in this example moves up a level along with my stories and shares her own.
You: Hey, how’s your night going? (Ritual/Cliche)
Her: Good thanks, how about yours?
You: My night is going okay, I came with a few friends I haven’t seen in a few months, so it is nice for us to catch up after such a long time. (Facts/Information)
Her: That sounds nice
You: I’m not sure the Ivy is the best place for a catch up though, it feels like it has become a bit less classy over the last few months, which is a shame. Last week I watched one couple get escorted out of the bathrooms for getting a little too friendly, and saw a big fight get broken up outside. (Thoughts/Opinions)
Her: Yes I know, it used to be a great place to go and hang out, but it has changed. The pool area is still nice though
You: Yes I love the pool area! I had one of the best nights of my life there. We had a 30th birthday party, and half the girls in our group decided to go swimming in their underwear, and god bless security for deciding not to kick us all out for indecent exposure.
Best party ever! (Feelings/Emotions/Peak Experience)
Her: Haha, Those girls sound brave! My 30th was more relaxed, but I had some of my closest friends there and they all pitched in to buy me a scooter. They brought it to me with a big red bow on it. I felt so special!
Here are two examples
Her: I’m a pharmacist
Me: Interesting, do you love it?
She can either say she loves it or she doesn’t.
1. She doesn’t.
Her: Well, it’s okay…
Me: Well, you should have a job that you love. What would you do if you could do anything in the world?
This takes her up towards talking about her peak experiences.
2. She does.
Her: I love it. It’s what I’ve always wanted to do
Me: That’s so cool. Most people hate their jobs. What do you love about it?
BAM! You’ve hit on her peak experiences.
This is a great example of moving up the rapport triangle quickly.
If you ever run out of things to say during the initial meeting, it usually means that you’ve gone down the triangle and broken rapport.
Also, you don’t want to talk about one peak experience during the whole interaction. Too often, the conversation wafts wherever it wants to and can sizzle out unnecessarily.
We can prevent this happening by asking the right types of questions to help control the conversation.
Closed-ended questions require no rapport to answer. There’s hardly any thinking involved and definitely no emotion. They contain single statement answers, and are often only one word long.
E.G: What time is it? questions require no rapport to answer. There’s hardly any thinking involved and definitely no emotion. They contain single statement answers, and are often only one word long.
Open-ended questions have longer answers, usually consisting of multiple sentences.
E.G: What time is it? What did you do when you went to Thailand?
Below is an example of a closed-ended conversation between me and you (yes you).
Me: How did you get here today?
You: By car
Me: How long was the trip?
You: Thirty minutes
Me: What type of car do you drive?
You: One with four wheels
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Me: Who’s in control of this conversation?
You: Not Me
On the other hand, open-ended questions require a long thought-out answer and more rapport for the question to be answered appropriately.
How can we use this to control the conversation?
When we first approach a lady, we often ask closed-ended questions like ‘How are you?’ and ‘What do you do?’ To move the conversation forward and into something more engaging, try to find out what she’s passionate about by asking more closed ended questions. As long as you are asking closed ended questions you are in control of the conversation, and you can use them to direct the conversation to where you want it go. When you find something you like, ask open-ended questions so that she can share her passions with you. If I don’t understand her passion directly, I will relate to her passion, then disclose one of my passions. I then ask her a closed ended question to move the conversation to talking about what I love. This way you are effectively steering the conversation.
Me: Hey, how’s your night going?
Her: Good thanks
Me: What are you guys celebrating tonight?
Her: My birthday
Me: Oh Happy Birthday! Did you get any awesome presents?
Her: Yeah I got this antique mirror. I absolutely love it!
Me: What do you love about it?
Her: It’s this gorgeous round white mirror with gold trimmings that just looks like it comes from deep inside the Moulin Rouge. It makes me feel all sophisticated and classy. They just don’t make things like that anymore.
Me: Sounds amazing, and you seem really passionate about it, which is great to see in someone. Honestly, I’ve never gotten into antique furniture but I totally get old things like classic cars. I’ve always had this dream of buying a really old Chevy and restoring it with my Dad.
And the conversation goes on…
Make sure you also use emotional rewards like ‘oh that’s awesome’ or ‘that’s so cool’ sparingly. Use those emotional reactions to reward her when she gives you something you want, like something emotional and personal about her. In the above example, it’s when she opened up and told you what she loved about the mirror. Emotional rewards encourage people to open up. Often women won’t open up to guys because they don’t get emotionally encouraged to do so. You are after all a stranger to her.
Another way to build rapport quickly is by making assumptions.
By doing this, you can talk about your own experiences and passions, even if you make the wrong assumption.
The following is a typical statement taken from an initial meeting:
Man: “You’re awesome. I bet you’re super adventurous. Like an adrenalin junkie. You’d be the type that if we were on holiday and there was bungee-jumping, you’d be dragging me up the tower with your bungee cord.’
1. “No not at all. Why would you think that?”
2. “Yeah! How’d you know?”
Now that we know how to build rapport, we also need to make what we say engaging. The best passions in the world won’t hold a lady’s interest if we don’t keep her engaged in what we have to say. This is why we need to focus on storytelling. Storytelling is showcasing your passions/experiences in the most entertaining way possible.
Why is story telling a good skill to have?
To take a page out of a creative writing textbook, there are three elements that need to be present in any compelling story.
First you need a Protagonist. This is the main character, the hero of the story. Every story needs one, and they need to be relatable. The lady should want to see what happens to them.
Then you need an Antagonist. This is what the hero is up against. It doesn’t need to be another person, it can be anything that makes life hard for the protagonist- such as an internal struggle, a situation, or an event.
An antagonist can be Darth Vader, a traffic jam, or that bowl of cat food you stepped into whilst rushing to get ready for tonight. Virtually anything that makes life hard for the hero can be considered the antagonist, and the conflict between the two will drive your story.
The last thing the story needs is some sense of release. It needs to conclude with all the questions answered.
It is whilst talking about the release that you can get your greatest impact. You don’t need to thwart some tyrannical villain and restore balance to the force to do this- a personal success story or any little change can be very moving.
So once you have a story, what can you do to make it engaging?
Technically ‘I was attacked by a leopard but I scared it away’ is a story. It has a protagonist (me), an antagonist (the leopard), and a conclusion (it gets scared and runs away). But it’s not terribly engaging (and highly questionable). What can you do to make it better?
A well-timed pause builds suspense and has dramatic effects. Always include some deliberate pauses in your stories to show confidence and a natural style. EG ‘I was attacked by a leopard! (pause) But I scared it away’.
The more passionate the storyteller is, the more authentic they sound and the more compelling their story becomes. Make it sound like you actually were grappling for life with a large carnivorous feline.
Highlight the struggle between them and take the lady through an emotional journey where there is reward in the end and the hero succeeds. EG ‘The leopard leapt out of the tree, claws raking the air in front of my face. I knew I had to act quickly, or else I would only have seconds to live…’
The story needs to be colored with description. This helps give the listener a mental picture of the story being told. ‘It was the size of a fully grown horse and had claws like meathooks! I could see carnage in its eyes…’
Look at the lady in the eye as you tell the story. You will hold her attention and be able gauge if she’s losing interest (or questioning the credibility of your giant leopard story).
This is when you ask the listener a question in between your story to enhance engagement. For example, if I’m telling a story about being attacked by a giant leopard, I’ll ask ‘Have you been attacked by a giant leopard?’ I’ll wait for the listener to reply, and then continue with my story. When you do this, the lady becomes more vested in listening to your story. This is a good technique to use when you can see that the lady is losing interest.
Always include some funny elements. This is discussed in detail in the next chapter. EG ‘Coincidentally I was carrying my Giant Leopard Scaring Kit!’
Always talk about how things made you feel and use emotive words like love, excited, hate, disgust etc. It doesn’t matter if the story makes us feel happy or sad; great movies for example usually do both. EG’ As the leopard turned tail and fled a wave of relief washed over me. I felt strong, powerful and elated, having scared off nature’s most ferocious predator!’
Don’t be afraid of emphasizing your story with a little physical activity. Pace around if it helps with the story. Some ideas are moving your hands and jumping up and down to demonstrate excitement (or a leopard attack). Being active helps your brain work faster and allows you to be more dynamic with your storytelling.
Telling a woman all about your strengths is going to make you come across as conceited. Besides, a confident man does not need to toot his own horn (although I’ve heard it’s possible if you remove some ribs… but that’s a story for another day). You should show off your strengths by telling a story about an attribute that you want to demonstrate but show it in a way that it hurts you.
Here is a story of mine to demonstrate loyalty:
“I have been friends with Sir Castorsugar for eleven years. He’s been dating this girl for four years and now they want to have children. They’ve started trying whenever she’s not travelling for work. When she’s away though, he’s out with me chatting up chicks and taking them home. And that’s not the worst part. He also regularly sees a prostitute and doesn’t use protection. The problem, is he is potentially ruining the life of the woman he’s dating and most importantly, I think of the child once it’s conceived. My biggest issue is that I can’t say anything about it to her because he’s my friend. I’ve been trying to talk sense into him but I feel like my hands are tied. What should I do?”
This is a way that I demonstrate loyalty. In this case, the loyalty hurts me and most importantly, it doesn’t sound like I’m showing off.
To help you out devising your own stories, here are some common strengths and examples of how they can hurt you:
WOMEN TESTING YOU
When you start trying to attract women, they will constantly test you. They will say things like:
“Why did you come here to talk to me?”
“Sorry, we’re lesbians’
“Can’t you see we’re having a conversation”
Whilst it may seem as though women are just being mean, you have to understand that they don’t see a difference between you and that sleazy guy they met a few minutes earlier. In any given night, if the ladies were nice to every guy they came across, they would spend all their time with men they are not interested in and waste their whole evening.
Women have come up with a good way to effectively weed out the bad men from the good. We need to see it for what it is if we’re ever going to stand up to their tests and attract their interest.
Women often aren’t aware they are testing men. However, this testing happens frequently. The better you get with women, the less you will get tested early on and the less you will notice the tests when they happen.
Why is being tested by women a good thing?
Although scary and perhaps annoying at first, these tests are like little ‘gifts’ - opportunities for you to prove you have what it takes. If you can handle her tests, you will get a noticeable spike in her interest in you. If a woman didn’t like you at all, she usually wouldn’t bother and would simply tell you to go away. With a test, she is giving you the opportunity to prove her wrong. Women who test you most often end up with the biggest level of interest for you once you show them you can handle it. Over time you will learn to love the women that test you the most.
The best rule for handling tests in the beginning is to ignore that it happened. If you’re in doubt and can’t think of anything better to say, proceed as though nothing occurred. It’s better to ignore than to hesitate.
You must NEVER get emotional during a test.
“We are lesbians” - This is mostly a silly statement that almost always means nothing. The standard male response is to get roped into this statement.
By far, the best thing to do is pretend it never happened; dismiss it as the silly thing that it is. By ignoring it, you’re letting her know you have no time for ‘silly’. Unless you are in a gay club, or it’s obvious that the ladies actually are lesbians, assume they’re being facetious.
“Why did you come and talk to us?”– There is only one clean escape to this where you come out on top. Be honest. If you can look at a woman and say “I came here because you looked cute, and I wanted to see what you were like in person”, then you will earn yourself massive points.
“I think you should buy my friend a drink” – Acquiescing to that request is a big no-no. Likewise, saying ‘no’ is always dangerous because you create a situation where it’s her will against yours. Nothing good will come of it. Instead, situations like these require you to agree but with a challenge attached. “I’ll tell you what, if you can guess what I do for work in three guesses or less, I’ll buy your friend a drink. If you don’t, then you have to buy us both a drink”. Now if she guesses your profession, then you buy her friend a drink but you have kept her respect because she had to jump through your hoop first. With anything that makes you feel is an unfair request, think about which conditions you can create that would make it okay for you to go along with her request.
“Do you talk to lots of girls when you’re out?” or “Are you a player?” - It’s super important for you to have a clean answer to this question, even hesitation will hurt you. If women ask if I’m a player I usually say “Well, I’m a man and I have needs, but I don’t believe in lying to women if that’s what you’re asking”. If a woman asks me if I’ve picked up lots of girls that night I might say “A gentleman never tells, and a lady never asks”. Don’t assume that being honest is going to blow you out though, and don’t assume that a woman thinking you pick up lots of women is a bad thing. I often see a woman’s eyes light up when I tell her that I teach men to attract women for a living. Sure, it’s possible she will lose interest in you if she thinks you pick up lots of girls, however one thing is for sure- if she sees you lying to her face (she’ll probably see it because women are human lie detectors), then you definitely aren’t getting anything from her.
By reframing the test this way, she will often end up feeling like she had been wanting to simply banter with you all along.
Woman: ‘Shouldn’t you be with your friends?’
Me: ‘Well some of us aren’t too shy to leave the nest and make new friends’
Then I give her a cheeky wink. I’m telling her “game on” rather than “stop being so mean to me”.
Always talk to any person who joins your initial meeting whether it be her friend or just a stranger. Introduce yourself and ask them how their night has been. Be social and pay them some attention because if you ignore them, they will be offended and you will lose her respect.
MEN TESTING YOU
If a guy enters your initial meeting and tries to be an asshole, never get defensive or aggressive. Try to get him to laugh with you- you’ll disable him that way. If not, allow him to talk and tire himself out. If he doesn’t get any reaction from you, he will get bored eventually. Besides, women will be looking at him like he’s an asshole which doesn’t do him any favors. Be cool, calm and collected. If he engages you and tries to be condescending by asking you senseless questions, respond to him politely and throw the same questions back at him. Always counter a negative response with a positive one – this will give you the best chances.
One other option you have- If a guy is being a pain in the ass but isn’t being aggressive (if he’s aggressive always leave) you can go over to him sincerely, shake his hand and say something like “hey buddy, I just wanted to come and make sure I haven’t offended you in some way, and apologise if I did”. The genuine intent and handshake will often disable guys and make them act better afterwards. He will feel like the smaller man afterwards but won’t hate you for it.
When dealing with tests, it is very important to never be caught off guard more than once. If you don’t know how to handle a test from a lady or a man, ignore it in the moment and think about what you could have said in response after the initial meeting has ended. This is so that next time something like this happens you know how to handle it. Make a mistake the first time, don’t sweat it – how could you possibly know any better? Make the same mistake the second time, that’s on you.
Talking to Women:
List 10 things you’re passionate about. Write them down.
Pick 3 passions and find a story to tell about each passion.
For each passion, what is a leading closed ended question that leads you to this story?
Find 3 personal attributes [EG: honest, driven, intelligent etc] Write them down
Find a story for each attribute in which this positive attribute hurts you.
Drilling for passions
Try the default ‘What do you do for work?’ Answer ‘Do you love it?’ for drilling for her passions.
Pick one story from your passions and write it in maximum 2 sentences.
E.G: ‘Went to a bar last night, approached girl so hot, didn’t think I would get her number, walked away victorious.’ Identify a piece of the story where you can leave a poignant pause.
E.G: ‘Went to a bar last night (pause), approached girl so hot, didn’t think I would get her number, walked away victorious.’
Introduce one piece of detail about antagonistE.G: ‘The hot Russian looked so intimidating and wasn’t smiling.’
Identify a spot in the story here you can emphasize an emotion E.G: ‘She was so hot. I was so intimidated by her.’
Identify where in the story you can insert humor E.G: ‘She was so intimidating, I thought there was a very good chance she would break my arm and beat me to death with it if I dared say hello’.
Identify one opportunity to engage the listening party more E.G: ‘Oh my god have you ever tried to pick up a Russian before? They can be so mean!’
Put all the elements of the story together
Tell friend(s) that story, making sure you focus on giving really good eye contact and being active.
Tell girls girls this story, making sure you focus on giving really good eye contact and being active.
Women/men testing you
Write down the five things you’re really scared of a woman saying to you.
Brainstorm the perfect response to each thing you’re scared of women saying to you.